Saturday, June 30, 2007
Thursday, June 28, 2007
I'm a mess
nothing i do is correct, my marriage is wreaked, my job is in a mess not to mention my room.
I've lost all confidence in myself and i thoroughly feels that i'm just a worthless piece of shit. maybe worst, cuz even shit can be reused as fertilizer.
What did i acheive in my 25 years? I dunno. It seems that i cant make anyone approve of wat i do or appreciate me for who i am. I remember vaguely that I use to be bubbly, optimistic ger who dun really give a damn wat others has to say about me. Though i'm not really pretty but i didn't have to care about hw i looked or dress.
I had hopes and dreams about the future. To become someone's wife and mom, stay at home to teach my children, do housework while watching tv, when my kids are out in sch maybe i can meet up with some friends for tea or juz window shop. Then at nite, i'll cook nice dishes and wait for my husband to come home.
I was a happy person then. That was my past.
Though i'm someone's wife and mom now, everything is just different. if only i had behaved. I'd not trap myself in my current situation. Nothing can be changed now. No matter hw much i wan to return to the past.
Now I feel that i'm fat, clumsy, careless, ugly, useless and very easily irritated. Even when I'm writing all this and describing myself, i'll think...this is that kind of person i'll stay clear off. I hate myself now.
wouldnt it be good that i juz vanish? become invisible so that i wun make a fool out of myself?
I do feel that i shd get a divorce so that Colin wun have to suffer. I'm not good enuff for him. he deserves someone better.
Y dun i just die? I constantly dreamed that i'd die in a traffic accident. but it nv came true. Sometimes i hoped that i'll be suddenly diagnosed with terminal stage disease. then at least my family dun have to suffer that much with me....
I've lost all confidence in myself and i thoroughly feels that i'm just a worthless piece of shit. maybe worst, cuz even shit can be reused as fertilizer.
What did i acheive in my 25 years? I dunno. It seems that i cant make anyone approve of wat i do or appreciate me for who i am. I remember vaguely that I use to be bubbly, optimistic ger who dun really give a damn wat others has to say about me. Though i'm not really pretty but i didn't have to care about hw i looked or dress.
I had hopes and dreams about the future. To become someone's wife and mom, stay at home to teach my children, do housework while watching tv, when my kids are out in sch maybe i can meet up with some friends for tea or juz window shop. Then at nite, i'll cook nice dishes and wait for my husband to come home.
I was a happy person then. That was my past.
Though i'm someone's wife and mom now, everything is just different. if only i had behaved. I'd not trap myself in my current situation. Nothing can be changed now. No matter hw much i wan to return to the past.
Now I feel that i'm fat, clumsy, careless, ugly, useless and very easily irritated. Even when I'm writing all this and describing myself, i'll think...this is that kind of person i'll stay clear off. I hate myself now.
wouldnt it be good that i juz vanish? become invisible so that i wun make a fool out of myself?
I do feel that i shd get a divorce so that Colin wun have to suffer. I'm not good enuff for him. he deserves someone better.
Y dun i just die? I constantly dreamed that i'd die in a traffic accident. but it nv came true. Sometimes i hoped that i'll be suddenly diagnosed with terminal stage disease. then at least my family dun have to suffer that much with me....
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Happy Bday to ME!!
Finally, I've decided to do something about me blog at friendster. Since i cant republish the earlier posts, i decided to shift them all here.
Not a bad day today...,
1)i have Cedric crying early in the morning(4am) cuz he hum bin...but i din have to wake up cuz colin is there.
2)was late to take public bus out to MRT n change to coy transport but was surprised to see my coy transport pass by the bus stop at my hse.
3)buying breakfast at canteen, met my colleague and he paid for my breakfast.
4)another colleague gave me $50 Taka voucher as bday present.
All this happened and only half the day has passed. I'm counting my blessings and I'm glad that i have so many friends and family with me.
I dunno wat to say...only wan you guys to know that i'm very thankful to have all of u ard me. For your care n concern.
Mic, other than Colin, u're the first to msg me today. Though it's signed off by u n Des, but i seriously think tat it's more from u than Des. thanx for your advice and daily dose of entertainment thru ur blog. Enjoyed it alot.
Biyi, quite a week for the both of us....lets put it behind us and ......u know lah huh...hehe~
Dear, thanx for everything.
Not a bad day today...,
1)i have Cedric crying early in the morning(4am) cuz he hum bin...but i din have to wake up cuz colin is there.
2)was late to take public bus out to MRT n change to coy transport but was surprised to see my coy transport pass by the bus stop at my hse.
3)buying breakfast at canteen, met my colleague and he paid for my breakfast.
4)another colleague gave me $50 Taka voucher as bday present.
All this happened and only half the day has passed. I'm counting my blessings and I'm glad that i have so many friends and family with me.
I dunno wat to say...only wan you guys to know that i'm very thankful to have all of u ard me. For your care n concern.
Mic, other than Colin, u're the first to msg me today. Though it's signed off by u n Des, but i seriously think tat it's more from u than Des. thanx for your advice and daily dose of entertainment thru ur blog. Enjoyed it alot.
Biyi, quite a week for the both of us....lets put it behind us and ......u know lah huh...hehe~
Dear, thanx for everything.
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