I'm a mess

nothing i do is correct, my marriage is wreaked, my job is in a mess not to mention my room.
I've lost all confidence in myself and i thoroughly feels that i'm just a worthless piece of shit. maybe worst, cuz even shit can be reused as fertilizer.

What did i acheive in my 25 years? I dunno. It seems that i cant make anyone approve of wat i do or appreciate me for who i am. I remember vaguely that I use to be bubbly, optimistic ger who dun really give a damn wat others has to say about me. Though i'm not really pretty but i didn't have to care about hw i looked or dress.

I had hopes and dreams about the future. To become someone's wife and mom, stay at home to teach my children, do housework while watching tv, when my kids are out in sch maybe i can meet up with some friends for tea or juz window shop. Then at nite, i'll cook nice dishes and wait for my husband to come home.

I was a happy person then. That was my past.

Though i'm someone's wife and mom now, everything is just different. if only i had behaved. I'd not trap myself in my current situation. Nothing can be changed now. No matter hw much i wan to return to the past.

Now I feel that i'm fat, clumsy, careless, ugly, useless and very easily irritated. Even when I'm writing all this and describing myself, i'll think...this is that kind of person i'll stay clear off. I hate myself now.

wouldnt it be good that i juz vanish? become invisible so that i wun make a fool out of myself?
I do feel that i shd get a divorce so that Colin wun have to suffer. I'm not good enuff for him. he deserves someone better.

Y dun i just die? I constantly dreamed that i'd die in a traffic accident. but it nv came true. Sometimes i hoped that i'll be suddenly diagnosed with terminal stage disease. then at least my family dun have to suffer that much with me....