Fool again

My heart was peaceful before you came to stir the emotions. You made me believe and trust you unconditionally, then selfishly decided not to go though the tedious journey of life together. Left me wondering if I was wrong just because I am me. You betrayed my trust. Shattered the little confidence that I had since I meet u. Remembering ur empty promises keeps me up all nite shaking in fear.

I will not love anyone again. It hurts too darn much.

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The Break Up

Its really weird for me to say this but i have been planning on my break up with J for quite some time. Not planning to be mean to him but i dun really know how to break up with ppl... I'm not trying to compliment myself but honestly speaking, I'm really a nice person. I am not inclined to go all out to make other ppl's life miserable. I'm not a sadist. So, for me to go break someone's heart, seriously i dunno how to do it. But then again, if i drag it on, it wun do any of us any good.

History repeats

Seriously i dunno how many times i have to blog the same thing over and over again. My life just sux this way. What history? When things dun go accordingly for my dad, he destroys it.

Since young i seen him destroy stuffs...when ever his temper flares, I get new furnitures, phones, clothes and sometimes new pets.

So what happened this time round? What is the cause of this quarrel? the residential /business listing.

Its the time to collect the phone book. He had asked for the acknowledge slip to collect the book. I tot, its only collection...why not.... collection shdnt have any prob.... but still shit happens. He was given a set of the books. He expected 2 sets as we have 2 phone lines in the household. When i came back he told me of this, but i was thinking that it might be 1 set per household. I totally forgot that i had ordered for only one set since i have no use for it. The reason that he wanted 2 sets is that one for me and one for him (plus if there's 2 lines, we must have 2 sets mentality).

So i just explained that it might be the case of 1 house = 1 set theory, he argued that if thats the case since he has 2 hp lines under his name, he should only pay for 1 line.

Then i dunno how the conversation moved on to the residential lines....but in my old flat in Tao Ching, we have call transfer service and my dad paid $20 for it (dunno is monthly or activation). but as the old flat is enc-bloc, we were unable to reuse the old residential line. Thus we were unable to "transfer" the old subscription. I was informed that if we want the old services, we need to pay the activation fees again. And since the phoneline is generally used for surfing the internet and all of us has cell phones, i tot that i shd not be wasting money to activate a service which is not required. And he is unhappy with this cuz it is my fault that he is unable to use this service cuz i transfer it under my name. No matter how many times i explained about the new lines, he doesnt listen. He is currently using my mom's old number but my mom had some subscriptions that is still ongoing but no one is using. My mom buys 4D and she subscripts to the results, she watches Singtel mobile tV on the go and has ringtone sent to her....now that she is gone my dad dun use these services but he doesnt allow me to cancel any of these services....he dun even know he had them (except the 4D results). And i had to pay additional $10 every month for it. After explaining to him he got unhappy and he took out the SIM card and snapped it into 2, asking me to go cancel the line.

Now great, no card = cannot use. But that's not the end of the saga, to cancel the line, i'd need his IC. To hell i'll go if he gives me his IC. So now means I'm paying $50/mth for a useless line which i cant cancel. And let say if he changed his mind, $30 will be wasted for the replacement SIM card.

no matter what, my money is wasted.

Frustrated...

Just when will my problem go away? How many times do i have to go thru this? Why do i say it in singular but not pural form? The problem is my dad. Without him, I can get a maid to help me take care of Cedric. At least, the maid will listen to my instructions and not throw temper at me. I'm sick of hearing his complains, sick of having to help him find every single nail, bolt and screw he dropped cuz he cant see. Not that i dun wan to help him. He spends money on low quality stuff and when they dun work, he tries to repair it. But as he cant see, he spoils or make it worse in the process. then he blames everyone else but himself.

If happens that Cedric is in the vicinity, he'll blame Cedric for hindering his work. He starts raising his voice at Cedric. And since i dun like to hear his voice, I will have to scold Cedric cuz i cant fault my dad. I feel bad for Cedric, cuz most of the time he is innocent. But because I have such father, his time is ending, I have to give in to him. Why cant i have a Dad that is reasonable? I dun mind if he is poor as long as he has a proper job. I dun mind even if he is sick and requires treatment, as long as he goes for his treatment and listens to us and understands that we do care.

This is something that i hope and wish for but its something that i can never have....

My prayer

Dear Lord,
I ask for your forgiveness. I saw some pics and hoped that I was in someone elses place. It could have been me. He was my bf. I really envy his wife. To be getting the love from the guy who loves only you, who is dedicated to you.

Lord, when is it my turn to be loved? Is it because I failed to love myself? Because I doubted myself? Teach me Lord, to love and be loved. To be satisfied with what I have and let me be envied by the others.

I know it is too much to ask. I just want to complain. Thank you Lord for listening.

In Jesus's name I pray, Amen.

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Feelings

After posting the last blog, I was browsing my previous entries... My tears starts to stream down my face. A thought came to me, things that I wanted to say to Colin:

Colin, are you happy now? After our divorce, does that make you a happier person? If it does, I'm happy for you, cuz I din go thru those sufferings in vain. If it doesn't, do we still have a chance to make it work out right? For Cedric too?

Though we're back on toking terms now, I'll nv b able to pluck that courage to tell you all these. I made mistakes in our relationship but I've nv realise it till its too late.

My life has been changed by your decision. I'll nv b truely happy. I can't turn back time. I regret.

I just pray that there might be that 0.1% you'll rmb my good points and that you too will hope for those good times again.

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Welcome back!!

Hehehe... I'm abit ashamed to post this...cuz its been a long while since I last blogged...finally, I found this app that I can use for blogging and I'm sure I'll b using it often. Still the same question in my mind... Who is left reading this blog?

Anyway, even if no one else reads this, I'm fine with it... Cuz this will be the place whr I whine and complain, thus the name BITCHING POINT.

Well, loads of things happened in the past 2 years...I've gotten divorced, finally the house issue is settled. I've got a bf but things dun seem to go on quite well, I've worked as HR in NTU, that din work out too... Now I'm in sales, like the environment, like the job but my health and family do no agree to it...my mom passed away in Nov 2010, and half a yr later my dad is diagnosed with colon cancer...to really sum up, I feel that my life sux big time and to put it nicely, my faith is being tested.

I'll say I do believe in Christ, but I'm just lazy to attend church. Sloth, one of the seven deadly sins. In fact, I'm lazy to do anything. If it din start the way I want it, then I tend to be lazy and not continue it... Or lose focus of my goals.

Enuf of that, I want to start my complain. I've been running for the lol, 6-8 times today cuz of diarrhea. And, to make it worst, Aunt Ruby join in the game. Starting last week I had plans to start slimming down... So I had been exercising. Was planning to go swim again but had to give up the idea.

I've also decided to re-decor my room, so that I can hv more space for exercise and most importantly, Cedric can have a place to play. Most likely, its gonna be a major make over...then I can invite ppl to my hse, for console games or if I can get a table, a mahjong session....wahaha...my hand is itchy just thinking of it.

Anyway, I guess that's all I wanna say nw... See ya'll soon...I hope. *grin*

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